so the silence...

i cannot believe that it has been a year since i last posted... time flies when you are working all the time. i have found myself in somewhat of a wilderness, a monotony of work and familial responsibilities. that is not to demean either work or familial responsibilities, but rather that run together in great quantities time markers are somewhat blurred and the result is that looking back i don't see too many distinct features. the ones i do see look like little oases on the landscape of the past year.

the most recent would be the birth of my second son, wyatt. what a precious little guy, a reminder of the incredible capacity for love that God has placed within our hearts. just when renee and i thought that we couldn't love another as much as we love georgia and jack wyatt comes along and stretches our hearts some more. it is incredible and humbling to think of God's love for us from a parent's perspective.

another grouping are the several relationships that i have built over the past year with coworkers. i love these people intensely. kris and his sweet spirit. aurora and her fierce independence and yet surreal vulnerability. michael and his perpetual skepticism. heather and her activism. jason and his incessant searching, however misguided. i love the rawness and the realness of our conversations, so not candy coated. they capture my heart and my imagination.

and now i find myself in the midst of change. from planting in austin to looking out of town and out of state for ministry opportunities. just another in a long series of challenges from God. i like it here. i like the people. i want to stay. and yet God seems to be closing that door for now. maybe it will reopen, but for now a change.

why does it seem that i blog most when God is shaking things up? hmmm...

the expected unexpected...

so some may be checking in to see how my gathering went. and as with all things, this side of eternity, it went imperfectly, and yet God's hand was clearly at work. from the start, i was fighting an uphill battle. without wanting to over-spiritualize things, i faced a number of roadblocks and hurdles the last couple of days. i had to scramble to correct a scheduling conflict between my jobs, i thought i lost my wallet (i really did leave it at work, but it was kept safe with nothing missing), it rained like crazy (i think i saw a dove with a branch in its beak nearly washed way in the wind and rain), and people were coming up left and right with reasons and excuses not to come. yet through all of that i showed up...and so did God.

one co-worker was headed home and turned on mopac and said "what the heck i'll hangout for a bit." she called a couple others who were having dinner and thinking of heading home for a quiet night. they decided to come, bringing with them another co-worker. and another friend and my brother-in-law showed up bringing the total, including me, to 7.

with beer in hand, we began to go scattershot through the four questions, focusing largely on where we are now, how we got here, and what are our hangups. i was alternately intrigued and puzzled by the answers i got. some i expected and many i did not. for two plus hours we carried on a variety of conversations, some times two or more at once. it was magnificent in the chaos and the messiness, and yet there was the beauty of authenticity that overwhelmed it. i learned more about some of my friends in those two hours than i had found out about them in months.

at the end, as the bartenders were kicking us out onto the street, we all expressed a desire to return and delve and think and share some more. the conversation found protected space to thrive. connections were made, bonds strengthened, and questions asked. there was plenty of disagreement, but in the context of mutual repsect, relationships were not threatened.

the sheer fact that no one ran screaming from the premisis made the evening a success, but the fact that all are committed to coming back makes it an overwhelming success. i was prepared for the worst, yet God showed up (ftw).

ever notice how God shows up ginormously when we realize that we cannot effect change on our own? yeah well i was reminded of zechariah 4:6 which states "'not by might nor by power, but by my spirit,' says the Lord who rules over all." it was all God and all i had to do was show up. so thank you God, and thank you all for joining me in prayer as we embark on this jourrney.

one step out...

you know that scene in indiana jones and the last crusade when harrison ford while navigating the traps of the cave reaches a gap in his path, an uncrossable gorge, which he must traverse to retrieve the holy grail in order to save his mortally wounded father? following his clues he realizes that he must take a leap of faith into what appears to be a nearly bottomless chasm. well, it is at that same type of juncture that i find myself this week, as i embark upon an adventure that could lead to the foundation of the table.

in march, as a result of some of the relationships that i had been building with coworkers and some of the resulting conversations, i began to think about forming a group. call it a gathering, a conversation, a round table, or whatever you will, i wanted to create a time, a space, a community for those conversations, instead of piecemealing them together between refilling teas and running food. after rolling it around in my head for a few weeks, i mentioned it to renee as something i would like to do over the summer. well the summer has almost slipped by and i had yet to put any serious traction to this idea, as i am sometimes wont to do. well this past week renee called me to the carpet asking me what i had done to inaugurate this gathering. that conversation alone would have been enough to press the wheels into motion, but little did i know that they would be kicked into top gear the very next day.

merely 20 something hours later my brother-in-law, michael, asked me, "so, what's next for your ministry?" to which i responded, "i have in mind starting a group with a few of my coworkers from my jobs." he followed with the question, "what would that look like?" i explained how i would like to start a group that would meet and discuss spiritual matters that could progress into a study and on into a core group that would eventually be the foundation of the table. he responded with, "what's holding you back from starting that this week or next?" i hemmed and hawed a bit, before realizing that i had no good answer except that i hadn't asked anyone to join me. with that out of the way, we talked about trying it out the following week.

and so this week--wednesday at 11pm to be precise--i am going to host the first gathering at a local taproom, with michael generously subsidizing the tab with this weekend's poker winnings. imagine that, beer and gambling being used to further the kingdom of God?! i have invited or will invite 8-12 friends to join me in an open conversation on spirituality. of those i have asked all have either expressed interest in or outright committed to coming. as a wannabe pastor, i want to know and plan on asking (though, i reserve the right to change, rephrase, amend, or add to these questions as the Lord leads):

1. where they have come from?
2. where are they now?
   
3. how have they gotten here?
   
4. what hangups do they have with God, Jesus, the Bible, Christianity, and the Church?

i want a sense of where people are so that i can understand and reach out to them, meeting them in their situation. to that end this group is truly a mixed bag (with several disavowed christians, several Christ-followers of varying maturities, a fairly devout catholic, a few that are seeking, and several agnostic/atheists) and should give me a broad cross-section of austin's culture. i could add further distinctions that will likely prove interesting in the context of the conversation, but may not necessarily be helpful to illuminate within the context of this blog.

i anticipate lively and revealing conversation and hope that it will spark within each individual a desire for community and truth, such that they keep coming back in the following weeks. i desire that they will not only bond together in community, but they bring friends as well. i hope that we meet so frequently and grow to the extent that i have to find other means of sub"suds"izing the gatherings beyond even a year's worth of michael's poker winnings. i envision that one day this gathering will move from discussion of the general and superficial spiritual hangups that i initially anticipate, to a deeper discussion and study of biblical issues (such as the person of Christ, his work on the Cross, and his resurrection), to a core group that would be the foundation of the table. but of all the hopes and dreams that i harbor for this gathering, i desire, first and foremost, that each individual comes face to face with the life-changing reality of Jesus Christ and find their lives inescapably changed.

it is upon this adventure that i enjoin you. i need and covet your prayers, not only yours but those of Christ-followers in this great state, across this country, and around the world. if you find this compelling, i ask you to forward it on to anyone who you think might be equally moved. i would also welcome any comments or encouragements that you have, for i have never felt so much trepidation and at the same moment anticipation for anything in my life. it is truly thrilling. and so it is with you that i take my one step out...

hard conversations...

for those of you who know me well, you know that i am not a confrontational person. i would rather smooth the situation rather than potentially ignite a powder keg by saying what very well needs to be said. for those who don't know me, however, i just told you my particular bent, and now you know it as well as the rest of my readers. i guess it stems back to being a people-pleaser and a peacemaker. i want, dare i say need, people to approve of me, what i think, and what i have to say. i also like to make peace, which is a good trait, but taken to an extreme can be equally harmful as the strife that it replaces.

that said, i have been learning the importance of speaking truth, even when it is not the easiest thing to hear. i have been learning this from both sides--the giving and the receiving end. within the past few weeks i have been confronted and corrected on a personal shortcoming. that experience was catalyzed as i conversed with a friend who needed to be confronted and corrected themselves. the thing i am realizing is that while criticism is not easy to take, there are, nevertheless, times when we need, even desire, it. do not misunderstand me to say that it is necessarily a conscious desire, but maybe a subconscious one.

the governing principle of the confrontation, however, must be genuine love. without love, confrontation is simply that--confrontation. it is as dangerous as a spark in a room full of dynamite. present are all the elements necessary for a fatal reaction. on the other hand, peace without love or loving confrontation is like the numbing drowsiness of hypothermia that lulls you into a never-ending sleep. this, too, is equally dangerous and fatal.

in a situation where we love someone on an ill-advised path, we need to step up to call them off of it. it may not be easy. we may meet with resistance and even hostility. if, however, we approach that individual with genuine love, we take the position of doctor who brings healing with his words, pointing out the bad while providing a way to (as matchbox twenty would say) "get it back to good," as opposed to the critic who points out both good and bad, but provides no solution to resolve the bad.

i guess what i am learning is that i am not always being loving by being non-confrontational. in fact, sometimes just the opposite. but, to restate my earlier premise, the governing principle of confrontation must be genuine love, not indignation, not self-righteousness, not pity or any other thing, only love.

so as i sat down with my friend, i told them in no uncertain terms what they needed to do. i said it with love and i said it with tact, but i said it--because i knew it had to be said and i knew that i was in the position to say it. much like my friend who called me to the carpet several weeks back. so this is the sound of me growing...

"but he's a pastor..."

do you ever wonder the things that went through Jesus' mind when he sat down with sinners to eat? do you think he cringed or was simply saddened by the things He saw and heard? do you think anyone ever stood up and said, "but He's Jesus. we can't have this conversation or do these things in his presence"?

i know that i am no where near Jesus' stature, though i try to get closer to Him and his holiness on a daily basis, but i find it amusing how people respond when i am around.

i was sitting down with some friends from work--one of my jobs is a sports bar--and we were talking about anything and everything when the topic of sexuality and homosexuality came up. i knew the conversation was about to go off the deep end, but i was not going to stop it and act prudish about it. almost immediately one of my friends who is particularly resistant to subjects of God and faith jumped in to defend me and my "unspoiled ears." my friend was very emphatic...

"but he's a pastor. we can't have this conversation around him. it's just not right."

my response is one of my stock responses, "don't stop on my account. if you would have the conversation without me around, don't stop just because i'm here."

allow me to make an aside. if the Holy Spirit wants to convict someone that what they are doing or saying is wrong then let Him do his work. while i may be a catalyst for his work, i am not there to make them change on my account. i believe that it is unrealistic to expect (big theological term alert, danger, danger) unregenerate people to act regenerate. to simplify that, i don't expect people without a relationship with Christ to strive to follow after Christ and his holiness.

it's times like these that i wonder what was going through Jesus' mind. here He is the creator of the universe, the Son of God, sitting at a table full of broken and damaged people with all that hullaballoo going on. and what did He do? He loved them in the way that they needed to be loved. i think that meant that He did not stand up and say, "how can you say and do those things in the presence of God, i mean me? have you no shame?" rather He would speak to them in their need and comfort them in their brokenness.

what good is it to my unbelieving friends if at every turn i am a wet blanket? how would i ever get the time to get to know them better if i were to take offense at everything they said and did that the Bible called sin? they would turn and run from me. i am deeply interested in these people and i want to know what makes them tick. i want to know what excites them, what they live for, and if it is satisfying. so that when they realize that it is not satisfying, that i can show them what is infinitely satisfying.

i just find it amusing how many of them are willing to stand up and call to everyone else's attention that i am a pastor. enough of my random musings for this evening. goodnight.

pastoring without a pastorship

so i have been struggling with the desire to do what God has for me to do, while not being free at the moment to be in full-time christian ministry. i am struggling through two jobs, between which i only seem to get a day off if i call in sick. if not for sick days, i would have worked every day for the last two and a half weeks and would be on the clock for the next two weeks easy with no break. but such is life right now...

that said, i have noticed that i have also been on another clock--God's. in the last few weeks i have had numerous conversations with different people that i work with. there's a guy that used to go to church, but is now a self-professed "pothead." another guy who is trying to get sober after an addiction to prescription drugs, that landed him in numerous rehab programs. a girl struggling with a relationship that she alternately wants/needs to break off, then again she doesn't.

every time i come home and talk to renee about the latest conversation she smiles knowingly, like a mom does when her son brings home yet another stray that he wants to adopt. do not mistake me to mean that i am taking in strays, because these people are so much more than that to me, they are my friends, my co-workers, etc. rather, it is the look that renee gives me, as if to say, "someone else gave you their story." i guess that's what it is. i collect stories. i hope that i do more than just collect them. i hope that i am pointing these people to the one in whom hope is found. i do find it interesting that so many people confide in me their stories, their bugaboos, their warts, their brokenness. maybe it is as my sister-in-law says that "people can smell Jesus on [me]."

that said, i had the privilege to talk to a friend, who will remain nameless. a group of us went for a few drinks after work. we got to talking about God after numerous comments that i was a pastor. i don't recall how the early part of the conversation went, but i remember my friend stating very matter-of-factly that while they believed in a "higher power" that they did not believe in God, couldn't believe in the christian God after all the things that christians had said about God and about my friend's situation. needless to say, i was deeply saddened. they also said that they had a hard time believing that a loving God would allow the types of things that had happened in their life to happen to them. suffice it to say that my friend has had one of the toughest 20+ years of life that i have ever come into contact with.

i shudder to think how i would have been shaped had that been my life. my friend readily admits that they are broken and damaged--a leap that many more well-adjusted people would have a difficult time making. yet in spite of all that, that my friend is comfortable with who they are and have become, though they harbor no hope of healing. they have a peace with themselves even if they do not have a peace with many of those who are around them. still my friend struggles and strives in this life.

i am trying to show my friend Jesus, to comfort my friend and show them grace. that is what they need more than anything right now. i have seen first hand the grace of Christ change a hardened life, melt away the years of mistrust, skepticism, and fear. i pray with all my heart that this is the case with my friend, and that i am but an instrument through which God chooses to work.

it is at this that renee smiles knowingly. she says "even though you don't have a church, you are already being a pastor." you know what she is right, God continues to use me in spite of my shortcomings and it is all for his glory.

a long uncomfortable lesson

so here we are in the city to which i believe that God has called us, and He has put things on hold. i believe that we are where He wants us and i further believe that He has put our plans on hold. that said, this is the hardest thing that i have ever done, nevermind that i am completely convinced that it is the right thing to do.

i am faced with the uncomfortable prospect of looking for a new job through which to support my family--it has become increasingly clear that the two i currently hold will not fit the bill, both figuratively and literally. i despise the process of updating my resume and sending it out. it is kind of like dating, in that you face rejection at every turn. not to mention that for all the education that i possess, i am not particularly prepared for anything. to make matters worse, i likely do not have the appropriate experience. however, i need to feed my family. so onward, i guess.

i cannot express the frustration of not being freed to do the thing i am most equipped to do. still, i know that this pause is to further equip and prepare me. God is teaching me stuff and yet i get frustrated with how slowly i am learning it. it seems like for every step forward that i take, i take one or more backward. i can be so hard headed sometimes. i want to be a better husband, a better father, a better friend, a better man, a better follower of Christ and yet it seems that i fail at each and everyone of these on a nearly daily basis. i do see progress, slow though it is. it is in that that i must take confidence, knowing that the Spirit is working in me and daily sanctifying me.

why must we be so impatient? why can i not wait on God to bring me to the place where i am ready for his service? as soon as i say that i am struck by the realization that i am even now serving him, just not in the capacity that i should be. so why am i discontented? why should i think that, somehow, i know better than God how i might be of best use? arrrrggggh!

i wish that i could have greater insight than this lament. and yet you might be in a moment in which you identify with me. to you i can offer this. i am convinced that God is in control and He has his best plans for us. those may or may not line up with ours, nonetheless they are the best for us. so we just need to remember that and rest in his providence.

until next time, God bless and may we be conformed that much more to his likeness, the example of whom is Christ.