for those of you who know me well, you know that i am not a confrontational person. i would rather smooth the situation rather than potentially ignite a powder keg by saying what very well needs to be said. for those who don't know me, however, i just told you my particular bent, and now you know it as well as the rest of my readers. i guess it stems back to being a people-pleaser and a peacemaker. i want, dare i say need, people to approve of me, what i think, and what i have to say. i also like to make peace, which is a good trait, but taken to an extreme can be equally harmful as the strife that it replaces.
that said, i have been learning the importance of speaking truth, even when it is not the easiest thing to hear. i have been learning this from both sides--the giving and the receiving end. within the past few weeks i have been confronted and corrected on a personal shortcoming. that experience was catalyzed as i conversed with a friend who needed to be confronted and corrected themselves. the thing i am realizing is that while criticism is not easy to take, there are, nevertheless, times when we need, even desire, it. do not misunderstand me to say that it is necessarily a conscious desire, but maybe a subconscious one.
the governing principle of the confrontation, however, must be genuine love. without love, confrontation is simply that--confrontation. it is as dangerous as a spark in a room full of dynamite. present are all the elements necessary for a fatal reaction. on the other hand, peace without love or loving confrontation is like the numbing drowsiness of hypothermia that lulls you into a never-ending sleep. this, too, is equally dangerous and fatal.
in a situation where we love someone on an ill-advised path, we need to step up to call them off of it. it may not be easy. we may meet with resistance and even hostility. if, however, we approach that individual with genuine love, we take the position of doctor who brings healing with his words, pointing out the bad while providing a way to (as matchbox twenty would say) "get it back to good," as opposed to the critic who points out both good and bad, but provides no solution to resolve the bad.
i guess what i am learning is that i am not always being loving by being non-confrontational. in fact, sometimes just the opposite. but, to restate my earlier premise, the governing principle of confrontation must be genuine love, not indignation, not self-righteousness, not pity or any other thing, only love.
so as i sat down with my friend, i told them in no uncertain terms what they needed to do. i said it with love and i said it with tact, but i said it--because i knew it had to be said and i knew that i was in the position to say it. much like my friend who called me to the carpet several weeks back. so this is the sound of me growing...
Monday, March 23, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
"but he's a pastor..."
do you ever wonder the things that went through Jesus' mind when he sat down with sinners to eat? do you think he cringed or was simply saddened by the things He saw and heard? do you think anyone ever stood up and said, "but He's Jesus. we can't have this conversation or do these things in his presence"?
i know that i am no where near Jesus' stature, though i try to get closer to Him and his holiness on a daily basis, but i find it amusing how people respond when i am around.
i was sitting down with some friends from work--one of my jobs is a sports bar--and we were talking about anything and everything when the topic of sexuality and homosexuality came up. i knew the conversation was about to go off the deep end, but i was not going to stop it and act prudish about it. almost immediately one of my friends who is particularly resistant to subjects of God and faith jumped in to defend me and my "unspoiled ears." my friend was very emphatic...
"but he's a pastor. we can't have this conversation around him. it's just not right."
my response is one of my stock responses, "don't stop on my account. if you would have the conversation without me around, don't stop just because i'm here."
allow me to make an aside. if the Holy Spirit wants to convict someone that what they are doing or saying is wrong then let Him do his work. while i may be a catalyst for his work, i am not there to make them change on my account. i believe that it is unrealistic to expect (big theological term alert, danger, danger) unregenerate people to act regenerate. to simplify that, i don't expect people without a relationship with Christ to strive to follow after Christ and his holiness.
it's times like these that i wonder what was going through Jesus' mind. here He is the creator of the universe, the Son of God, sitting at a table full of broken and damaged people with all that hullaballoo going on. and what did He do? He loved them in the way that they needed to be loved. i think that meant that He did not stand up and say, "how can you say and do those things in the presence of God, i mean me? have you no shame?" rather He would speak to them in their need and comfort them in their brokenness.
what good is it to my unbelieving friends if at every turn i am a wet blanket? how would i ever get the time to get to know them better if i were to take offense at everything they said and did that the Bible called sin? they would turn and run from me. i am deeply interested in these people and i want to know what makes them tick. i want to know what excites them, what they live for, and if it is satisfying. so that when they realize that it is not satisfying, that i can show them what is infinitely satisfying.
i just find it amusing how many of them are willing to stand up and call to everyone else's attention that i am a pastor. enough of my random musings for this evening. goodnight.
i know that i am no where near Jesus' stature, though i try to get closer to Him and his holiness on a daily basis, but i find it amusing how people respond when i am around.
i was sitting down with some friends from work--one of my jobs is a sports bar--and we were talking about anything and everything when the topic of sexuality and homosexuality came up. i knew the conversation was about to go off the deep end, but i was not going to stop it and act prudish about it. almost immediately one of my friends who is particularly resistant to subjects of God and faith jumped in to defend me and my "unspoiled ears." my friend was very emphatic...
"but he's a pastor. we can't have this conversation around him. it's just not right."
my response is one of my stock responses, "don't stop on my account. if you would have the conversation without me around, don't stop just because i'm here."
allow me to make an aside. if the Holy Spirit wants to convict someone that what they are doing or saying is wrong then let Him do his work. while i may be a catalyst for his work, i am not there to make them change on my account. i believe that it is unrealistic to expect (big theological term alert, danger, danger) unregenerate people to act regenerate. to simplify that, i don't expect people without a relationship with Christ to strive to follow after Christ and his holiness.
it's times like these that i wonder what was going through Jesus' mind. here He is the creator of the universe, the Son of God, sitting at a table full of broken and damaged people with all that hullaballoo going on. and what did He do? He loved them in the way that they needed to be loved. i think that meant that He did not stand up and say, "how can you say and do those things in the presence of God, i mean me? have you no shame?" rather He would speak to them in their need and comfort them in their brokenness.
what good is it to my unbelieving friends if at every turn i am a wet blanket? how would i ever get the time to get to know them better if i were to take offense at everything they said and did that the Bible called sin? they would turn and run from me. i am deeply interested in these people and i want to know what makes them tick. i want to know what excites them, what they live for, and if it is satisfying. so that when they realize that it is not satisfying, that i can show them what is infinitely satisfying.
i just find it amusing how many of them are willing to stand up and call to everyone else's attention that i am a pastor. enough of my random musings for this evening. goodnight.
Monday, March 16, 2009
pastoring without a pastorship
so i have been struggling with the desire to do what God has for me to do, while not being free at the moment to be in full-time christian ministry. i am struggling through two jobs, between which i only seem to get a day off if i call in sick. if not for sick days, i would have worked every day for the last two and a half weeks and would be on the clock for the next two weeks easy with no break. but such is life right now...
that said, i have noticed that i have also been on another clock--God's. in the last few weeks i have had numerous conversations with different people that i work with. there's a guy that used to go to church, but is now a self-professed "pothead." another guy who is trying to get sober after an addiction to prescription drugs, that landed him in numerous rehab programs. a girl struggling with a relationship that she alternately wants/needs to break off, then again she doesn't.
every time i come home and talk to renee about the latest conversation she smiles knowingly, like a mom does when her son brings home yet another stray that he wants to adopt. do not mistake me to mean that i am taking in strays, because these people are so much more than that to me, they are my friends, my co-workers, etc. rather, it is the look that renee gives me, as if to say, "someone else gave you their story." i guess that's what it is. i collect stories. i hope that i do more than just collect them. i hope that i am pointing these people to the one in whom hope is found. i do find it interesting that so many people confide in me their stories, their bugaboos, their warts, their brokenness. maybe it is as my sister-in-law says that "people can smell Jesus on [me]."
that said, i had the privilege to talk to a friend, who will remain nameless. a group of us went for a few drinks after work. we got to talking about God after numerous comments that i was a pastor. i don't recall how the early part of the conversation went, but i remember my friend stating very matter-of-factly that while they believed in a "higher power" that they did not believe in God, couldn't believe in the christian God after all the things that christians had said about God and about my friend's situation. needless to say, i was deeply saddened. they also said that they had a hard time believing that a loving God would allow the types of things that had happened in their life to happen to them. suffice it to say that my friend has had one of the toughest 20+ years of life that i have ever come into contact with.
i shudder to think how i would have been shaped had that been my life. my friend readily admits that they are broken and damaged--a leap that many more well-adjusted people would have a difficult time making. yet in spite of all that, that my friend is comfortable with who they are and have become, though they harbor no hope of healing. they have a peace with themselves even if they do not have a peace with many of those who are around them. still my friend struggles and strives in this life.
i am trying to show my friend Jesus, to comfort my friend and show them grace. that is what they need more than anything right now. i have seen first hand the grace of Christ change a hardened life, melt away the years of mistrust, skepticism, and fear. i pray with all my heart that this is the case with my friend, and that i am but an instrument through which God chooses to work.
it is at this that renee smiles knowingly. she says "even though you don't have a church, you are already being a pastor." you know what she is right, God continues to use me in spite of my shortcomings and it is all for his glory.
that said, i have noticed that i have also been on another clock--God's. in the last few weeks i have had numerous conversations with different people that i work with. there's a guy that used to go to church, but is now a self-professed "pothead." another guy who is trying to get sober after an addiction to prescription drugs, that landed him in numerous rehab programs. a girl struggling with a relationship that she alternately wants/needs to break off, then again she doesn't.
every time i come home and talk to renee about the latest conversation she smiles knowingly, like a mom does when her son brings home yet another stray that he wants to adopt. do not mistake me to mean that i am taking in strays, because these people are so much more than that to me, they are my friends, my co-workers, etc. rather, it is the look that renee gives me, as if to say, "someone else gave you their story." i guess that's what it is. i collect stories. i hope that i do more than just collect them. i hope that i am pointing these people to the one in whom hope is found. i do find it interesting that so many people confide in me their stories, their bugaboos, their warts, their brokenness. maybe it is as my sister-in-law says that "people can smell Jesus on [me]."
that said, i had the privilege to talk to a friend, who will remain nameless. a group of us went for a few drinks after work. we got to talking about God after numerous comments that i was a pastor. i don't recall how the early part of the conversation went, but i remember my friend stating very matter-of-factly that while they believed in a "higher power" that they did not believe in God, couldn't believe in the christian God after all the things that christians had said about God and about my friend's situation. needless to say, i was deeply saddened. they also said that they had a hard time believing that a loving God would allow the types of things that had happened in their life to happen to them. suffice it to say that my friend has had one of the toughest 20+ years of life that i have ever come into contact with.
i shudder to think how i would have been shaped had that been my life. my friend readily admits that they are broken and damaged--a leap that many more well-adjusted people would have a difficult time making. yet in spite of all that, that my friend is comfortable with who they are and have become, though they harbor no hope of healing. they have a peace with themselves even if they do not have a peace with many of those who are around them. still my friend struggles and strives in this life.
i am trying to show my friend Jesus, to comfort my friend and show them grace. that is what they need more than anything right now. i have seen first hand the grace of Christ change a hardened life, melt away the years of mistrust, skepticism, and fear. i pray with all my heart that this is the case with my friend, and that i am but an instrument through which God chooses to work.
it is at this that renee smiles knowingly. she says "even though you don't have a church, you are already being a pastor." you know what she is right, God continues to use me in spite of my shortcomings and it is all for his glory.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
a long uncomfortable lesson
so here we are in the city to which i believe that God has called us, and He has put things on hold. i believe that we are where He wants us and i further believe that He has put our plans on hold. that said, this is the hardest thing that i have ever done, nevermind that i am completely convinced that it is the right thing to do.
i am faced with the uncomfortable prospect of looking for a new job through which to support my family--it has become increasingly clear that the two i currently hold will not fit the bill, both figuratively and literally. i despise the process of updating my resume and sending it out. it is kind of like dating, in that you face rejection at every turn. not to mention that for all the education that i possess, i am not particularly prepared for anything. to make matters worse, i likely do not have the appropriate experience. however, i need to feed my family. so onward, i guess.
i cannot express the frustration of not being freed to do the thing i am most equipped to do. still, i know that this pause is to further equip and prepare me. God is teaching me stuff and yet i get frustrated with how slowly i am learning it. it seems like for every step forward that i take, i take one or more backward. i can be so hard headed sometimes. i want to be a better husband, a better father, a better friend, a better man, a better follower of Christ and yet it seems that i fail at each and everyone of these on a nearly daily basis. i do see progress, slow though it is. it is in that that i must take confidence, knowing that the Spirit is working in me and daily sanctifying me.
why must we be so impatient? why can i not wait on God to bring me to the place where i am ready for his service? as soon as i say that i am struck by the realization that i am even now serving him, just not in the capacity that i should be. so why am i discontented? why should i think that, somehow, i know better than God how i might be of best use? arrrrggggh!
i wish that i could have greater insight than this lament. and yet you might be in a moment in which you identify with me. to you i can offer this. i am convinced that God is in control and He has his best plans for us. those may or may not line up with ours, nonetheless they are the best for us. so we just need to remember that and rest in his providence.
until next time, God bless and may we be conformed that much more to his likeness, the example of whom is Christ.
i am faced with the uncomfortable prospect of looking for a new job through which to support my family--it has become increasingly clear that the two i currently hold will not fit the bill, both figuratively and literally. i despise the process of updating my resume and sending it out. it is kind of like dating, in that you face rejection at every turn. not to mention that for all the education that i possess, i am not particularly prepared for anything. to make matters worse, i likely do not have the appropriate experience. however, i need to feed my family. so onward, i guess.
i cannot express the frustration of not being freed to do the thing i am most equipped to do. still, i know that this pause is to further equip and prepare me. God is teaching me stuff and yet i get frustrated with how slowly i am learning it. it seems like for every step forward that i take, i take one or more backward. i can be so hard headed sometimes. i want to be a better husband, a better father, a better friend, a better man, a better follower of Christ and yet it seems that i fail at each and everyone of these on a nearly daily basis. i do see progress, slow though it is. it is in that that i must take confidence, knowing that the Spirit is working in me and daily sanctifying me.
why must we be so impatient? why can i not wait on God to bring me to the place where i am ready for his service? as soon as i say that i am struck by the realization that i am even now serving him, just not in the capacity that i should be. so why am i discontented? why should i think that, somehow, i know better than God how i might be of best use? arrrrggggh!
i wish that i could have greater insight than this lament. and yet you might be in a moment in which you identify with me. to you i can offer this. i am convinced that God is in control and He has his best plans for us. those may or may not line up with ours, nonetheless they are the best for us. so we just need to remember that and rest in his providence.
until next time, God bless and may we be conformed that much more to his likeness, the example of whom is Christ.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
settling in...
i want to apologize for going so dark on the whole blog front. things have been a little crazy as we have tried to get settled in, here in austin. actually we are not in austin, just a little bit closer to austin. i never realized the truth of that until having been here for a little over a month i can count on one hand the number of times i have actually been in central austin. that said we are a step closer and will be making an even bigger step as we are starting to look at places in and around the downtown area.
our time in apartment life taught us that the most natural way to build relationships with people is to live life alongside of them. that is why we are anxious to get to downtown and begin living life alongside those we hope to minister to. i took an important step this week as i am looking to get on with a nice restaurant in downtown. i believe that this restaurant could provide the kind of income to make the move to downtown possible even prior to being at full support. i am cautiously optimistic that God will use this to facilitate our move.
in other happenings, i have made a few contacts that could prove very helpful in building a core group for the table. we will just have to see where these conversations go and how God uses them to bring to fruition the vision that He has given to me.
until the next installment... God bless
our time in apartment life taught us that the most natural way to build relationships with people is to live life alongside of them. that is why we are anxious to get to downtown and begin living life alongside those we hope to minister to. i took an important step this week as i am looking to get on with a nice restaurant in downtown. i believe that this restaurant could provide the kind of income to make the move to downtown possible even prior to being at full support. i am cautiously optimistic that God will use this to facilitate our move.
in other happenings, i have made a few contacts that could prove very helpful in building a core group for the table. we will just have to see where these conversations go and how God uses them to bring to fruition the vision that He has given to me.
until the next installment... God bless
Saturday, September 27, 2008
the big move
so the time has come... we are moving to austin. as of tuesday renee's and my 9 year stint in dallas will come to an end and we will once again be austinites. the move comes at a time when our ministry as a cares team at villa miranda apartments is coming to a sad end after 3 1/2 years.
we are both sad and excited about our move. sad to leave so many good friends, with whom we have shared the last 9 years. excited to see what God has in store for us on this grand adventure. oh yeah, there is a healthy amount of trepidation as well, as we are not entirely sure where the money for this adventure is going to come. well... that's not entirely true, we know that it will come from God, but the particular vessels from which He will dispense it are as yet not fully known. yet, i know that our God is Yahweh-Yireh (provider-God), and since all resources are his resources, we will be taken care of.
we can't wait to get started reaching the people of austin with the life changing gospel of Jesus Christ. i often tremble with expectation and yet realize that every day i come in contact with countless people who need to hear the life giving message of hope--even the days that i am not in austin. a wise friend of mine told me that most of our calling to ministry in a particular location is largely found in our preference and suitability for that place, yet that should not stop us from fulfilling God's command to minister and make disciples where ever we are. at the same time another wise friend of mine while affirming his "redness" confessed his love of "blue people." with that sentiment, i must concur. i love "blue people," they are very much interesting to me. oh yeah and "blue people" need Jesus too!
we are both sad and excited about our move. sad to leave so many good friends, with whom we have shared the last 9 years. excited to see what God has in store for us on this grand adventure. oh yeah, there is a healthy amount of trepidation as well, as we are not entirely sure where the money for this adventure is going to come. well... that's not entirely true, we know that it will come from God, but the particular vessels from which He will dispense it are as yet not fully known. yet, i know that our God is Yahweh-Yireh (provider-God), and since all resources are his resources, we will be taken care of.
we can't wait to get started reaching the people of austin with the life changing gospel of Jesus Christ. i often tremble with expectation and yet realize that every day i come in contact with countless people who need to hear the life giving message of hope--even the days that i am not in austin. a wise friend of mine told me that most of our calling to ministry in a particular location is largely found in our preference and suitability for that place, yet that should not stop us from fulfilling God's command to minister and make disciples where ever we are. at the same time another wise friend of mine while affirming his "redness" confessed his love of "blue people." with that sentiment, i must concur. i love "blue people," they are very much interesting to me. oh yeah and "blue people" need Jesus too!
Monday, September 8, 2008
a prayer
i'm laying in bed unable to go to sleep. deep down something is gnawing at my gut. i feel sick, i feel weak, i feel inadequate, i feel like a failure, i feel scared. a prayer goes up...
Father in heaven.
oh God! help me!
i am overwhelmed.
i know you have given me this vision and i know it is good. i am scared. i am about to move my family to austin to do this thing and i cannot escape the fear of what happens if i am not up to the task. my failures and flaws are becoming readily apparent to me, and i am not sure i like who i see. how can you possibly use me?! and yet you have a history of using losers and wannabe's like me.
so help me God! help me not to become paralyzed by fear. give me the fortitude to push on when i am discouraged. give me the discipline to do the things i know i need to do, even when they are unpleasant to me. the task that you have laid at my feet is a noble one. it is one worth fighting for, worth dying for. why have i become so faint hearted?! make me a warrior! give me boldness and singleness of vision to pursue what you have placed on my heart. let me not whither in the face of adversity, because i cannot doubt that a vision as grand as this would escape the attention of our adversary. he will not let it proceed without a fight. this is just a taste of the adversity that will yet come. and yet, i cannot fail now. i cannot resign this dream to the dingy closet of memory, where broken dreams are left to gather dust.
as Jesus said, "our Father in heaven, may your name be honored." i want to honor you. i want to make your name great on the earth, and particularly in austin.
"may your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." i do this for your kingdom, to spread it here on this earth, in this city. may your will be done and your plans fulfilled in me and through me.
Jesus continued, "give us today our daily bread." provide me with the things i need to bring this dream into reality. give me the strength, the single-mindedness, the resolve to do what needs to be done. bring in the support. give us partners and teammates, who will hold us up in prayer, who will encourage us, who will give to your vision, who will champion us before the people they know.
"forgive us our debts, as we ourselves have forgiven our debtors." forgive me for all my shortcomings. you know my struggles and i give them to you. wash me and make me clean. make me suitable for your service. help me to keep a short record of wrongs. let me dwell in your forgiveness and make me mindful of anyone that i need to forgive.
"and do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one." again grant me strength and single-mindedness to avoid all that will distract and detract from fulfilling this vision. do not let the adversary gain a foothold in my life that will prevent me from doing your will.
i am weak. you are strong.
i am distracted. you are focused.
i am flawed. you are perfect.
i am unworthy. you are worthy.
i am unsuitable. you are apt.
i find my completion in you. i need you, because in my own strength i will fail. so Lord, i cast myself upon you, upon your boundless mercy, grace, and love, and plead for you to do this through me. make me your man for this task, so that i can praise your name and proclaim your story, your victory to everyone i meet.
amen.
if you made it this far, you have prayed my prayer with me. i have prayed this as i wrote it. true some of the thoughts were rattling around in my brain before i set my fingers to the keyboard, but i noticed in them incoherence. i suppose, as romans 8 says, that the Spirit was helping me and interceding for me in my weakness and incoherence since i did not know how to pray. maybe, he helped by congealing those unconnected thoughts into that prayer, i don't know. what i do know is that you prayed that with me as it solidified in my head enough that i could write down what was in my heart.
Father in heaven.
oh God! help me!
i am overwhelmed.
i know you have given me this vision and i know it is good. i am scared. i am about to move my family to austin to do this thing and i cannot escape the fear of what happens if i am not up to the task. my failures and flaws are becoming readily apparent to me, and i am not sure i like who i see. how can you possibly use me?! and yet you have a history of using losers and wannabe's like me.
so help me God! help me not to become paralyzed by fear. give me the fortitude to push on when i am discouraged. give me the discipline to do the things i know i need to do, even when they are unpleasant to me. the task that you have laid at my feet is a noble one. it is one worth fighting for, worth dying for. why have i become so faint hearted?! make me a warrior! give me boldness and singleness of vision to pursue what you have placed on my heart. let me not whither in the face of adversity, because i cannot doubt that a vision as grand as this would escape the attention of our adversary. he will not let it proceed without a fight. this is just a taste of the adversity that will yet come. and yet, i cannot fail now. i cannot resign this dream to the dingy closet of memory, where broken dreams are left to gather dust.
as Jesus said, "our Father in heaven, may your name be honored." i want to honor you. i want to make your name great on the earth, and particularly in austin.
"may your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." i do this for your kingdom, to spread it here on this earth, in this city. may your will be done and your plans fulfilled in me and through me.
Jesus continued, "give us today our daily bread." provide me with the things i need to bring this dream into reality. give me the strength, the single-mindedness, the resolve to do what needs to be done. bring in the support. give us partners and teammates, who will hold us up in prayer, who will encourage us, who will give to your vision, who will champion us before the people they know.
"forgive us our debts, as we ourselves have forgiven our debtors." forgive me for all my shortcomings. you know my struggles and i give them to you. wash me and make me clean. make me suitable for your service. help me to keep a short record of wrongs. let me dwell in your forgiveness and make me mindful of anyone that i need to forgive.
"and do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one." again grant me strength and single-mindedness to avoid all that will distract and detract from fulfilling this vision. do not let the adversary gain a foothold in my life that will prevent me from doing your will.
i am weak. you are strong.
i am distracted. you are focused.
i am flawed. you are perfect.
i am unworthy. you are worthy.
i am unsuitable. you are apt.
i find my completion in you. i need you, because in my own strength i will fail. so Lord, i cast myself upon you, upon your boundless mercy, grace, and love, and plead for you to do this through me. make me your man for this task, so that i can praise your name and proclaim your story, your victory to everyone i meet.
amen.
if you made it this far, you have prayed my prayer with me. i have prayed this as i wrote it. true some of the thoughts were rattling around in my brain before i set my fingers to the keyboard, but i noticed in them incoherence. i suppose, as romans 8 says, that the Spirit was helping me and interceding for me in my weakness and incoherence since i did not know how to pray. maybe, he helped by congealing those unconnected thoughts into that prayer, i don't know. what i do know is that you prayed that with me as it solidified in my head enough that i could write down what was in my heart.
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