a prayer

i'm laying in bed unable to go to sleep. deep down something is gnawing at my gut. i feel sick, i feel weak, i feel inadequate, i feel like a failure, i feel scared. a prayer goes up...





Father in heaven.

oh God! help me!

i am overwhelmed.

i know you have given me this vision and i know it is good. i am scared. i am about to move my family to austin to do this thing and i cannot escape the fear of what happens if i am not up to the task. my failures and flaws are becoming readily apparent to me, and i am not sure i like who i see. how can you possibly use me?! and yet you have a history of using losers and wannabe's like me.

so help me God! help me not to become paralyzed by fear. give me the fortitude to push on when i am discouraged. give me the discipline to do the things i know i need to do, even when they are unpleasant to me. the task that you have laid at my feet is a noble one. it is one worth fighting for, worth dying for. why have i become so faint hearted?! make me a warrior! give me boldness and singleness of vision to pursue what you have placed on my heart. let me not whither in the face of adversity, because i cannot doubt that a vision as grand as this would escape the attention of our adversary. he will not let it proceed without a fight. this is just a taste of the adversity that will yet come. and yet, i cannot fail now. i cannot resign this dream to the dingy closet of memory, where broken dreams are left to gather dust.

as Jesus said, "our Father in heaven, may your name be honored." i want to honor you. i want to make your name great on the earth, and particularly in austin.

"may your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." i do this for your kingdom, to spread it here on this earth, in this city. may your will be done and your plans fulfilled in me and through me.

Jesus continued, "give us today our daily bread." provide me with the things i need to bring this dream into reality. give me the strength, the single-mindedness, the resolve to do what needs to be done. bring in the support. give us partners and teammates, who will hold us up in prayer, who will encourage us, who will give to your vision, who will champion us before the people they know.

"forgive us our debts, as we ourselves have forgiven our debtors." forgive me for all my shortcomings. you know my struggles and i give them to you. wash me and make me clean. make me suitable for your service. help me to keep a short record of wrongs. let me dwell in your forgiveness and make me mindful of anyone that i need to forgive.

"and do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one." again grant me strength and single-mindedness to avoid all that will distract and detract from fulfilling this vision. do not let the adversary gain a foothold in my life that will prevent me from doing your will.

i am weak. you are strong.

i am distracted. you are focused.

i am flawed. you are perfect.

i am unworthy. you are worthy.

i am unsuitable. you are apt.

i find my completion in you. i need you, because in my own strength i will fail. so Lord, i cast myself upon you, upon your boundless mercy, grace, and love, and plead for you to do this through me. make me your man for this task, so that i can praise your name and proclaim your story, your victory to everyone i meet.

amen.





if you made it this far, you have prayed my prayer with me. i have prayed this as i wrote it. true some of the thoughts were rattling around in my brain before i set my fingers to the keyboard, but i noticed in them incoherence. i suppose, as romans 8 says, that the Spirit was helping me and interceding for me in my weakness and incoherence since i did not know how to pray. maybe, he helped by congealing those unconnected thoughts into that prayer, i don't know. what i do know is that you prayed that with me as it solidified in my head enough that i could write down what was in my heart.