hard conversations...

for those of you who know me well, you know that i am not a confrontational person. i would rather smooth the situation rather than potentially ignite a powder keg by saying what very well needs to be said. for those who don't know me, however, i just told you my particular bent, and now you know it as well as the rest of my readers. i guess it stems back to being a people-pleaser and a peacemaker. i want, dare i say need, people to approve of me, what i think, and what i have to say. i also like to make peace, which is a good trait, but taken to an extreme can be equally harmful as the strife that it replaces.

that said, i have been learning the importance of speaking truth, even when it is not the easiest thing to hear. i have been learning this from both sides--the giving and the receiving end. within the past few weeks i have been confronted and corrected on a personal shortcoming. that experience was catalyzed as i conversed with a friend who needed to be confronted and corrected themselves. the thing i am realizing is that while criticism is not easy to take, there are, nevertheless, times when we need, even desire, it. do not misunderstand me to say that it is necessarily a conscious desire, but maybe a subconscious one.

the governing principle of the confrontation, however, must be genuine love. without love, confrontation is simply that--confrontation. it is as dangerous as a spark in a room full of dynamite. present are all the elements necessary for a fatal reaction. on the other hand, peace without love or loving confrontation is like the numbing drowsiness of hypothermia that lulls you into a never-ending sleep. this, too, is equally dangerous and fatal.

in a situation where we love someone on an ill-advised path, we need to step up to call them off of it. it may not be easy. we may meet with resistance and even hostility. if, however, we approach that individual with genuine love, we take the position of doctor who brings healing with his words, pointing out the bad while providing a way to (as matchbox twenty would say) "get it back to good," as opposed to the critic who points out both good and bad, but provides no solution to resolve the bad.

i guess what i am learning is that i am not always being loving by being non-confrontational. in fact, sometimes just the opposite. but, to restate my earlier premise, the governing principle of confrontation must be genuine love, not indignation, not self-righteousness, not pity or any other thing, only love.

so as i sat down with my friend, i told them in no uncertain terms what they needed to do. i said it with love and i said it with tact, but i said it--because i knew it had to be said and i knew that i was in the position to say it. much like my friend who called me to the carpet several weeks back. so this is the sound of me growing...

"but he's a pastor..."

do you ever wonder the things that went through Jesus' mind when he sat down with sinners to eat? do you think he cringed or was simply saddened by the things He saw and heard? do you think anyone ever stood up and said, "but He's Jesus. we can't have this conversation or do these things in his presence"?

i know that i am no where near Jesus' stature, though i try to get closer to Him and his holiness on a daily basis, but i find it amusing how people respond when i am around.

i was sitting down with some friends from work--one of my jobs is a sports bar--and we were talking about anything and everything when the topic of sexuality and homosexuality came up. i knew the conversation was about to go off the deep end, but i was not going to stop it and act prudish about it. almost immediately one of my friends who is particularly resistant to subjects of God and faith jumped in to defend me and my "unspoiled ears." my friend was very emphatic...

"but he's a pastor. we can't have this conversation around him. it's just not right."

my response is one of my stock responses, "don't stop on my account. if you would have the conversation without me around, don't stop just because i'm here."

allow me to make an aside. if the Holy Spirit wants to convict someone that what they are doing or saying is wrong then let Him do his work. while i may be a catalyst for his work, i am not there to make them change on my account. i believe that it is unrealistic to expect (big theological term alert, danger, danger) unregenerate people to act regenerate. to simplify that, i don't expect people without a relationship with Christ to strive to follow after Christ and his holiness.

it's times like these that i wonder what was going through Jesus' mind. here He is the creator of the universe, the Son of God, sitting at a table full of broken and damaged people with all that hullaballoo going on. and what did He do? He loved them in the way that they needed to be loved. i think that meant that He did not stand up and say, "how can you say and do those things in the presence of God, i mean me? have you no shame?" rather He would speak to them in their need and comfort them in their brokenness.

what good is it to my unbelieving friends if at every turn i am a wet blanket? how would i ever get the time to get to know them better if i were to take offense at everything they said and did that the Bible called sin? they would turn and run from me. i am deeply interested in these people and i want to know what makes them tick. i want to know what excites them, what they live for, and if it is satisfying. so that when they realize that it is not satisfying, that i can show them what is infinitely satisfying.

i just find it amusing how many of them are willing to stand up and call to everyone else's attention that i am a pastor. enough of my random musings for this evening. goodnight.

pastoring without a pastorship

so i have been struggling with the desire to do what God has for me to do, while not being free at the moment to be in full-time christian ministry. i am struggling through two jobs, between which i only seem to get a day off if i call in sick. if not for sick days, i would have worked every day for the last two and a half weeks and would be on the clock for the next two weeks easy with no break. but such is life right now...

that said, i have noticed that i have also been on another clock--God's. in the last few weeks i have had numerous conversations with different people that i work with. there's a guy that used to go to church, but is now a self-professed "pothead." another guy who is trying to get sober after an addiction to prescription drugs, that landed him in numerous rehab programs. a girl struggling with a relationship that she alternately wants/needs to break off, then again she doesn't.

every time i come home and talk to renee about the latest conversation she smiles knowingly, like a mom does when her son brings home yet another stray that he wants to adopt. do not mistake me to mean that i am taking in strays, because these people are so much more than that to me, they are my friends, my co-workers, etc. rather, it is the look that renee gives me, as if to say, "someone else gave you their story." i guess that's what it is. i collect stories. i hope that i do more than just collect them. i hope that i am pointing these people to the one in whom hope is found. i do find it interesting that so many people confide in me their stories, their bugaboos, their warts, their brokenness. maybe it is as my sister-in-law says that "people can smell Jesus on [me]."

that said, i had the privilege to talk to a friend, who will remain nameless. a group of us went for a few drinks after work. we got to talking about God after numerous comments that i was a pastor. i don't recall how the early part of the conversation went, but i remember my friend stating very matter-of-factly that while they believed in a "higher power" that they did not believe in God, couldn't believe in the christian God after all the things that christians had said about God and about my friend's situation. needless to say, i was deeply saddened. they also said that they had a hard time believing that a loving God would allow the types of things that had happened in their life to happen to them. suffice it to say that my friend has had one of the toughest 20+ years of life that i have ever come into contact with.

i shudder to think how i would have been shaped had that been my life. my friend readily admits that they are broken and damaged--a leap that many more well-adjusted people would have a difficult time making. yet in spite of all that, that my friend is comfortable with who they are and have become, though they harbor no hope of healing. they have a peace with themselves even if they do not have a peace with many of those who are around them. still my friend struggles and strives in this life.

i am trying to show my friend Jesus, to comfort my friend and show them grace. that is what they need more than anything right now. i have seen first hand the grace of Christ change a hardened life, melt away the years of mistrust, skepticism, and fear. i pray with all my heart that this is the case with my friend, and that i am but an instrument through which God chooses to work.

it is at this that renee smiles knowingly. she says "even though you don't have a church, you are already being a pastor." you know what she is right, God continues to use me in spite of my shortcomings and it is all for his glory.