hard conversations...

for those of you who know me well, you know that i am not a confrontational person. i would rather smooth the situation rather than potentially ignite a powder keg by saying what very well needs to be said. for those who don't know me, however, i just told you my particular bent, and now you know it as well as the rest of my readers. i guess it stems back to being a people-pleaser and a peacemaker. i want, dare i say need, people to approve of me, what i think, and what i have to say. i also like to make peace, which is a good trait, but taken to an extreme can be equally harmful as the strife that it replaces.

that said, i have been learning the importance of speaking truth, even when it is not the easiest thing to hear. i have been learning this from both sides--the giving and the receiving end. within the past few weeks i have been confronted and corrected on a personal shortcoming. that experience was catalyzed as i conversed with a friend who needed to be confronted and corrected themselves. the thing i am realizing is that while criticism is not easy to take, there are, nevertheless, times when we need, even desire, it. do not misunderstand me to say that it is necessarily a conscious desire, but maybe a subconscious one.

the governing principle of the confrontation, however, must be genuine love. without love, confrontation is simply that--confrontation. it is as dangerous as a spark in a room full of dynamite. present are all the elements necessary for a fatal reaction. on the other hand, peace without love or loving confrontation is like the numbing drowsiness of hypothermia that lulls you into a never-ending sleep. this, too, is equally dangerous and fatal.

in a situation where we love someone on an ill-advised path, we need to step up to call them off of it. it may not be easy. we may meet with resistance and even hostility. if, however, we approach that individual with genuine love, we take the position of doctor who brings healing with his words, pointing out the bad while providing a way to (as matchbox twenty would say) "get it back to good," as opposed to the critic who points out both good and bad, but provides no solution to resolve the bad.

i guess what i am learning is that i am not always being loving by being non-confrontational. in fact, sometimes just the opposite. but, to restate my earlier premise, the governing principle of confrontation must be genuine love, not indignation, not self-righteousness, not pity or any other thing, only love.

so as i sat down with my friend, i told them in no uncertain terms what they needed to do. i said it with love and i said it with tact, but i said it--because i knew it had to be said and i knew that i was in the position to say it. much like my friend who called me to the carpet several weeks back. so this is the sound of me growing...