a long uncomfortable lesson

so here we are in the city to which i believe that God has called us, and He has put things on hold. i believe that we are where He wants us and i further believe that He has put our plans on hold. that said, this is the hardest thing that i have ever done, nevermind that i am completely convinced that it is the right thing to do.

i am faced with the uncomfortable prospect of looking for a new job through which to support my family--it has become increasingly clear that the two i currently hold will not fit the bill, both figuratively and literally. i despise the process of updating my resume and sending it out. it is kind of like dating, in that you face rejection at every turn. not to mention that for all the education that i possess, i am not particularly prepared for anything. to make matters worse, i likely do not have the appropriate experience. however, i need to feed my family. so onward, i guess.

i cannot express the frustration of not being freed to do the thing i am most equipped to do. still, i know that this pause is to further equip and prepare me. God is teaching me stuff and yet i get frustrated with how slowly i am learning it. it seems like for every step forward that i take, i take one or more backward. i can be so hard headed sometimes. i want to be a better husband, a better father, a better friend, a better man, a better follower of Christ and yet it seems that i fail at each and everyone of these on a nearly daily basis. i do see progress, slow though it is. it is in that that i must take confidence, knowing that the Spirit is working in me and daily sanctifying me.

why must we be so impatient? why can i not wait on God to bring me to the place where i am ready for his service? as soon as i say that i am struck by the realization that i am even now serving him, just not in the capacity that i should be. so why am i discontented? why should i think that, somehow, i know better than God how i might be of best use? arrrrggggh!

i wish that i could have greater insight than this lament. and yet you might be in a moment in which you identify with me. to you i can offer this. i am convinced that God is in control and He has his best plans for us. those may or may not line up with ours, nonetheless they are the best for us. so we just need to remember that and rest in his providence.

until next time, God bless and may we be conformed that much more to his likeness, the example of whom is Christ.